*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I love twitter
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal