*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
favorite tropes as memes
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
#Caturday
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
