*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
#SaturdayBears
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?