*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
There is no “ea” in Tim.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.