*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
You Might Also Like
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My last name is Zilla.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?