*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Writing, She Murdered.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened