*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
lmao😭🤣
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary