*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.