Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

🤣

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys