See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
You Might Also Like
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.