See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Bruh PLEASE
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My life in a nutshell
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.