see next tweet for some translations
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When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
