see next tweet for some translations
You Might Also Like
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️