see next tweet for some translations
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
🤣🤣🤣
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17