see next tweet for some translations
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
there has never been a better use of this meme
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.