Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Bear

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim