Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

When news reporters do sports stories

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Hmmmmm

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.