Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Did a trash talking tree write this?

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?