see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)
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I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.