see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Everyone’s family
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times