“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
get you a girl who
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps