Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

birds and squirrels envy us

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls