See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I falcon love using swear birds
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
BETRAYAL
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.