See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
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Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I am having an out of money experience.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*