See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
You Might Also Like
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
🤔😂😂
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human