Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.