See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Food gives you energy to nap more.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Dumplings,
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.