Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it