Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced