* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
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one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.