Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron