See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.