Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Baking is just science you can eat.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update