‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
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5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
When I snag the last meatball.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I disagree with my politics
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.