Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

never forget

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.