see you in hell you stupid fruit
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.