@TheAlexNevil

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

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@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@pleatedjeans

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

@novicefather

“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.

@KrazykurtKurt

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

@TheCatWhisprer

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

@dankashane20

Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.

@Divergentmama

My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.