“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
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The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute