Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

go easy on yourself <3

Lmfaoooooo

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Are you ok, human???

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot