“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
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My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave