See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
You Might Also Like
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Morning all.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.