See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
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I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I beg your pardon?
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.