“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
