“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
#math
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it