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Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean