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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.