Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

mentally somewhere in italy

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.