Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Not today, today.
Not today.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.