Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.