[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.