Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result