[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I love wikipedia
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.