Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Alexa: *deep breath*

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!