Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.