Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
the rocks need my help
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Try and stop me.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
What?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
long lost
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.