Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me checking my bank balance online.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
happy halloween
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
