Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Where is your GOD now????
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
courtroom exchange of the day
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.