Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Proctology is located in A55
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.