Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
