Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that