Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

started wrapping my pills in cheese

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?