seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Cop lights are so pretty at night
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*