seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.