seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*