seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school