Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy