Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.