Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender