Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry