[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Every work call, he judges.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?