Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Me too

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.