Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?