[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band