[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me